There are no breakthroughs ....

... Only hard, painful, important work.

"Having a breakthrough" is such an acting cliché. I've never torn through the acting equivalent of a tissue paper banner, to run triumphantly onto the performance football field to ... ah ...

Look, metaphors aren't really my thing.

I worked twice to tonight in class. And it was brutal. And it was good tough tonight.

First up at the door, I was rusty, but learned something about myself. I kept telling my partner, Mark, what he was doing wasn't important. My coach took me to task for it, "Because you know that's not true."

But it was true.

And my coach isn't wrong.

So ...

But what I realized is it was true. What Mark was doing wasn't important -- to me. I was using the statement, "What you're doing isn't important" as a way to explain myself -- not to make reference to what Mark was doing.

Loving my partner and believing everything he said was not what I was doing. At that moment.

I got there, and I got furious, and sick. When I finished that roller coaster ride of coming to the door with something huge and important and positive, and ending in a screaming match and feeling terrible because I cost him his goal ... I literally felt the bile in my throat. There were a few moments where I didn't get my notes because I thought I was going to have to bail and puke.

And then, later, I went again. 'Cause I'm crazy like that.

And I so want to work all the time.

And be a better person.

When doing door and activity in Meisner, nine times out of ten (if done right), there's a win, but not a clean win. I kick someone out of my life forever. Or I fail my task.

I learned tonight, doing it right, that there are worse things. There is failing my task, and all of the consequences wrapped in that, and having someone walk out of my life forever. I lost twice, and didn't choose either.

My coach likened it to "Kobayashi Maru" -- the training exercise from the Star Trek mythos that is an unbeatable tactical simulation. You can't win.

It's about what you do with failing.

And seriously don't dismiss the analogy because it's rooted in pointy eared fanboy trope. It's a brilliant, important metaphor that some people get, and to which others haven't given enough thought.

My stomach is so freaking knotted up right now.