Right, so I reached the point of desperation in (responsible) experimenting with legal, over-the-counter and legitimately prescription drugs.
Turns out no medication is working for my severely stuffed up schnozz, but standing and walking around gives me some relief.
Turns out Robitussin with Codeine is the only thing that knocks out my near-aneurysm-causing cough.
Also turns out Robitussin with Codeine is not real conducive to standing and walking around. And falling asleep without doing something for my nose seems to cause a lack of oxygen issue (seriously, I think I'm dumber now).
There's the dilemma.
So, I took the Robitussin with Codeine, salined out my nose as much as I could ("gentle cleansing", my ass!), shot myself full of Afrin (3-day limits are for quitters!), gunked my face up with menthol gel, gunked my chest up with menthol gel that is apparently not safe for faces (WTF, they're both "menthol gel"), took a look in the mirror, and realized with all the horn blowing, my schnozz hairs are reaching out to make nice to my dogs.
In the words of Fred Savage, "I'm a pretty, pretty girl."
Welcome back, Fred. Rip it up.
(And after all of that I got a frickin' 4 hours of sleep.)