I just got back from visiting my dog at the emergency clinic.
 
It was rough to see her today; really rough. I wasn't expecting that.

Loki had emergency surgery yesterday, the end result being her spleen was removed (evidently, dogs don't need it like we do), because it was "Sequestoring" red blood cells -- basically thinking they were bad, holding on to them, swelling in size and filling the abdomenal cavity, and making Loki severely anemic.

Her tail started going like mad when she heard my voice (she still can't see), but she wasn't strong enough to get up. She had lot of tubes and wires and staples for plasma and fluids and antibiotics and steroids and monitors.

At the vet's advice, I'd brought some deli turkey to see if she'd eat, and try to get her dangerously low protein levels up. She was able to eat a few bites, but even gave that up after a while. It's a sick dog that won't eat people food.

I had to stop petting her after a while, because she'd wag her tail every time I touched her or talked to her, and even that little effort was getting weaker and weaker, and dragging her pulse and heart rate down, too.

I'm still really struggling with all of this. This is a phenomenal amount of money to spend, let alone on an animal, and arguably could be better spent on helping human beings. On the flip side, I feel I have a stewardship obligation to take care of an animal I chose to make part of my life. But I don't want her to suffer.

And there's that whole thing with the heart and logic and the pocketbook not mixing real well.

I had to drive around for a while after visiting Loki, because I wasn't in shape to be around people. I wasn't expecting that.